All We've Ever Wanted, Dreamed of, and Hoped for...finally in our Arms!!!

Meet Our Little Girl!!!  

Chloe Valynne Stephens

born Sunday, 7.13.14 @ 9:34am!

Weight: 5 lbs, 8 ounces

Length: 19 inches

I can't say whether, for certain, that miracles happen every day...but what I do know is that every once in a while when enough faith, work, hope, prayer and fasting is put toward a righteous goal, you can gain sure testimony of the miracles of heaven.  I've seen the greatness of miracles and the goodness of God every time I've looked into our daughters eyes these last two weeks.  She is a manifestation of God's love for us and we are so in love with her.  

2014 Tulip Festival

I woke up one day with a hunger for newness so we found something neither of us had ever done and went for it!

Thanksgiving point has an annual tulip festival that we've heard great things about so we set out for American Fork. 

The crowds were impressively large as it was the last day of the festival.  I was happy to learn that they were renting out digital SLR cameras so that people could take high quality pictures during their visit on the grounds.  The flowers were breathtaking and the weather was perfect!  The air felt so fresh and clean!  We had some pretty awesome Korean BBQ from a truck and tried a Swiss waffle dessert...it had caramel inside.  We rented segways to move through the grounds which was an AWESOME choice!  It saved our energy, brought a cool breeze on a very warm day, and helped us see things more quickly and effortlessly...plus, SEGWAYS ARE FUN!!!  Haha!  It seemed everyone we drove by had a comment..."How neat!"  "They have those here?!" "I'm doing that next time!"  "Where can we get one of those?"  "I wish we would have thought of that!"  "Mom, can I..."  "Is that difficult to drive?"  "That looks like so much fun!"

It was fun, sOoOo much fun and it became a great bonding moment for Ryan and me.  It was neat to do something, just the two of us.  It was a fun memory and a nice escape from some of the difficult things that have been going on at home with adoption.

We took some beautiful pictures that Ill have to share! 

"Is it over yet?...Is this as hard as it gets?" -- Kelly Clarkson

I've written three versions of this blog post, each a little less depressing than the last.  I feel the words I want to share are finally to the place I need them to be.

To shed light on the last few months, I need to reveal that Ryan and I came {  } this close to calling ourselves parents this May.  In late January we were contact by a sweet birthmother who had decided to place her son through adoption.  Our hearts and hopes were racing.  We tried to be cautious, but who were we kidding?  We were so excited to be parents.  We came to know this girl on a neat level and felt a great level of trust and openness.  We were delighted beyond words when she called me one on one to Farmington Station to tell me the good news, THAT SHE HAD CHOSEN US!  Those words and the feeling they elicit are impossible to describe.  We were so So excited for May to arrive.  But then came a revelation that was all too familiar to us and harder and harder to cope with.

April 17, 2014: "Tanya and Ryan, this is probably the single most difficult email Ive ever had to write...I prayed again, scared and confused and came away with the conclusion that maybe I'm not supposed to place him...I cannot place him.  I am so sorry.  You are honestly wonderful people and I know you'll be fantastic parents someday."

Excerpts from an email that tore our hearts in two.  We had spent nearly months getting to know this sweet girl and her family, learning about her life, history, interests, and hopes for the future.  We had latched onto the hope that she would be helping us grow our family.   We had told some of our nearest and dearest.  She had met our families.  We had purchased clothes and received donations of other things.  This baby had changed her world for the better and she was on the path to great things.  We were so excited for him to bring great things to our world as well.  We felt so blessed to know her and to build a life with her son. 

In the weeks preceding this email, I have to admit I had felt a wave of change that made me cringe inside.  She was more distant, nondescript in her emails, and I could see that our relationship was a little stagnant (meaning that no new info was being shared, there was less emotion in our conversations, etc...just a disconnect).  My stomach was in knots.  We met a couple times and I was hoping she would take away this "paranoia" I was feeling, because up until the last month of our friendship things seemed so idyllic.  We felt more certain than with any potential placement in the past that this was right, and a good fit for our lives. She seemed more certain and aware of the reasons behind her decision to place.  Her parents were in full support of the adoption and had actually adopted their children, themselves, so they understood the spectrum of emotions an adoptive couple feels through this journey.  Still, I guess I saw the letdown coming in a sense, and yet I refused to believe the worst would happen until I got the final word.  I was hoping on hope.

We were pretty torn apart by the news, and grieved the lost in degrees.  The email was sent to me, directly, and I felt strongly that I should process the initial blow before telling Ryan.  I knew I would need to be an emotional anchor for him.  I told him at my thinking spot one evening and it was a pretty sacred experience actually.  I felt the comforter helping us through that evening.  It was such a great blessing.  Ryan felt the loss most when I was strong, and I found myself breaking down during moments he was strong.  It felt like a miscarriage. Our families took it hard.  It was so helpful to be able to lean on one another as we processed the loss and considered which path was next for us.  The potential of losing our relationship with the birthmother nearly upset me as much as losing the child because I had truly come to love her.  I was grateful, in the month or so that followed, to find healing and to be able to forgive and let go of the pain I was feeling.  We were able to maintain a friendship and I was even able to drop by a baby gift for Frederick, her little one, just before he was born.  I was so grateful to Heavenly Father for taking the pain away and for bringing peace to this whole ordeal.

We know God has a plan for our family and that in the end, we will see how absolutely beautiful and inspired that plan is.  We know our children will find us and that we will love their fiercely and even more fervently because of the experiences we have been through in finding them and getting them here.  We need to be patient, faithful, and look for His inspiration, however he chooses to give it.  Until then, we've decided to continue looking into foster care!  

Puppy Pals

Cooper has been able to make a few good puppy pals! 

Ryan's cousin Quentin was one of the first to congratulate us when we announced that we were planning to purchase a Cavalier King Charles Spaniel.  He and his wife, Kelly, had been researching dog breeds themselves and wanted a Cavachon (half Cavalier and half Bichon Frize).  They were so excited to hear we had decided on the same breed they loved!  When they welcomed Wink into their family, we brought Cooper right over to meet her.  They hit it off so fast!  We have video of them chasing around the house, and doing a dance of sorts in the living room!  I had no idea Cooper was that agile!  He was hopping all over the place, being careful not to step on Wink.  It was adorable.  They have seen each other since, and still love playing.  It is fun watching Cooper play big brother, of sorts.

Coopers other two good friends live in a nearby townhouse.  Their names are Benny (a golden retriever) and Sage (a huskie, I think).

They are huge, compared to Cooper, but every time we walk toward the park he tries to run up to their front door.  He loves to chase with them and they are so good to Cooper, even when he gets a little too rambunctious for their taste.  I love that I don't have to worry about his interactions with them. Yay for good friends. 

Nieces are the Best

Our niece, MaKenzie brought big smiles to our faces today.

She and her family live in California and haven't visited Utah since last Summer.  As such, she hasn't been able to meet our puppy Cooper in person.

We kinda expected that our happy addition would, at best, remain uncelebrated by the Stephens family because from our observations/previous conversations they had a difficult time seeing a dog as anything but a burden or an allergen.

Happily, we were proven wrong.  Richard has made a couple special trips to our house to see Cooper.  He loves going to say hi when we are keeping Cooper in the Stephen's backyard during our visits.  Tami bought him a box of doggy treats and calls to ask if she can visit before she showers.  Josh never really had an aversion.  Dustin and Shar wholeheartedly congratulated us and could see how having a pet was a good thing for us in our stage of life, when starting a family has been a challenge and we just need something to care for and to love.  Cooper has become so much to us and we consider ourselves very blessed to have his spirit in our home and his presence in our lives. 

MaKenzie and Alisha love when we send pictures of Cooper to their family.  Alisha just loves dogs!  When we visited California this winter, I was lucky enough to hear her first full sentence!  "Dogs!  I like dogs!"

MaKenzie is in kindergarden and decided to share a picture of Cooper with her class for sharing time!  Sharlene shared a video of MaKenzie demonstrating what she planned to share with her class!  It warmed our hearts to think that she would think of Cooper, love him, and want to share him with her class even in spite of the fact that she hasn't met him yet.  I can't wait to introduce Cooper to the girls when they visit in June!

I'll see if I can upload the video once my phone has a chance to charge :)

Compassion from the Catless

Ryan and I had a flashback today! While we were living in the Terrace I noticed a cat roaming the neighborhood. It was really thin...you could nearly see its ribs. I thought it was homeless. On one particularly hot day I left some water outside for him to drink while Ryan was at work. Weeks later I'm getting nervous because this cat starts showing up at our door every morning to greet us. He's there when I get out of class. Ryan is allergic to cats and I didn't think he thought all that well of them, regardless. I was careful not to feed him anything but I didn't think he'd be drawn back so much by a little water. We didn't talk about this cat for some time. I was kinda hoping Ryan hadn't noticed him much.

One day I hear him meowing incessantly and I realize there is no way Ryan isn't catching this...and as of late he had been bringing his little friend with him. This was becoming a problem! Ryan is not gonna be happy with me when he finds out I encouraged this cat and his little sidekick to frequent our house! 

These weren't the actual cats...just a likeness of them.  Except the big one was skinnier.

Testing the waters to see how upset he might be, I ask "Do you hear that cat? I don't know why he keeps showing up!" ...and as I'm about to confess that I only gave him water once Ryan blurts out, "Well, I know he likes ham!" 

Uhhh, what?!?!?

T: "How do you know he likes ham?" 

R: "I've been feeding him our lunch meat!"

Hahahaha! All this time I had been worrying about giving him one bowl of water and my husband had been providing him tastier food than he'd ever get from home...if he had one.

Well, we'd "made our bed"...so we bought some decent catfood and more or less adopted him.  We named them Maurice and King Julian!

Our favorite moments were when he would watch us pull into the driveway and then jump on the hood of the car and stare at us through the windshield. The younger one was a spaz and was always trying to climb our little tree in the front yard. We'd sit on the grass and let Maurice lay by us. Ryan would always have to shower after but he enjoyed it more than I expected he would. 

We eventually learned that he belonged to someone that lived nearby. They had noticed him frequenting our place but didn't really mind. 

I guess from this experience I should have known we would eventually get a dog. It was a fun time and a fond memory! 

Christmas in Cali

 Ryan and I decided to spend this Christmas in California with Sharlene, Dustin and their girls.  Richard, Tami & Josh came as well.  We needed the time away, appreciated the warmth & were so grateful for all the family time.  We were fortunate to be able to stay with Sharlene and Dustin, saving us lots of money!  They live in a beautiful neighborhood and belong to a neat ward, from what we could tell.  They are enjoying their time at their new place.  They moved to Irvine from Anaheim in September and have a townhouse that is a lot like ours.  It was tight quarters but oh so fun!  Ryan and I slept on a sleeping bag in the kitchen, haha.   

We visited Disneyland, California Adventure, the Aquarium of the Pacific, Heisler Park at Laguna Beach, USS Midway, Coronado Beach, Six Flags, and spent the other days relaxing back at home, learning about what life is like for their family there.  I got to see MaKenzie's school and her teacher.  I saw where they shop and different restaurants they enjoy in Cali.  Some of their favorites are Yard House, Acai Republic, Phils BBQ and Cheesecake Factory.  Eating out is one of my favorite things to do on vacation...and we ate well! 

We were so grateful to have bonding time with our nieces.  Kenzie insisted on riding most of the rides with Tanya and Ryan.  Tanya got to hear Alisha speak her first full sentence, "Dogs.  I like dogs!"  It was so fun watching the girls open their Christmas presents Christmas morning.

And Cooper had a ball with his grandparents and aunt back at home.  He found ways to be mischevious, of course.  Here is a picture my Dad took of him after some exploring in the yard.  We're still not sure where the black mark came from, haha.