For Ears Inspired to Hear...

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Alma 26:12

• Book of Mormon

Yea, I know that I am nothing; as to my strength I am weak; therefore I will not boast of myself, but I will boast of my God, for in his strength I can do all things; yea, behold, many mighty miracles we have wrought in this land, for which we will praise his name forever. 

All through this week I have looked forward to sharing my testimony during our fast and testimony meeting at church.  I pushed myself to get ready this morning and got to the chapel.  Half way through relief society I was feeling very lethargic, almost the feeling you get when you introduce anesthetic into your body.  I called Ryan from the Sunday School room, had a kind ward member keep an eye on Chloe, and had Ryan quickly bring me home.  From the time I hit the pillow to zonking out, it might have taken three breaths.  I'll just have to share my testimony here, and hope that those who need to hear it will find it. :)

I'm not used to feeling this way.  I'm used to having the energy requisite for all the things I love and need to do.  I'm used to being self-sufficient, and easily productive.  What I'm not used to is feeling so bombarded with fatigue and weakness that I literally feel glued to my bed.  I have had to lean on some treasured friends and family members to meet the needs of Chloe.  I have had to put housework, hobbies and interests to the side in an effort to reserve all my energy for her.  This has proved to be a blessing in that I feel closer and more connected to her than I have ever been.  I know, deep in my heart, that she feels the same.  When she looks at me, it is with so much love.  That, itself, brings me strength and helps me meet the challenges of my day.  I am blessed to be a mom and even more greatly blessed to be a mother to her.  She is a very special daughter of God.

The good news is that things will get better.  I have a condition that resolves in periods of months to many years at a time, depending on the extent of your disease and your willingness to follow your doctors instruction.  Being a medically minded person, I have been able to ask lots of questions...too many questions.  I feel I understand my condition well and I am so committed to make this condition work for me. I own this disease!  Haha.  My doctors are optimistic about my case and impressed with my commitment to my medication, diet and necessary changes in lifestyle.  Luckily, most of the changes asked of me are only temporary.  I will, of course, need to be more physically active (nice kick in the pants) and a little more healthy in my eating (who cant say that?!) and be more in tune with the workings of my body than I have ever had to be before.  Luckily, again, the Lord has been helping me out with that...almost to a hilarious extent.  The other day I found myself at Hobby Lobby.  It is my version of paradise.  :)  I needed to do something for me.  Something I love and enjoy.  So I decided to do a craft.  An advent calendar actually.  At the store, I found my energy winding down.  Generally I find myself roaming isles, oggling anything I can.  On this day I knew I wouldn't be able to handle that.  I had specific items in mind for my project and a timebind.  I found myself being led exclusively to the isles I needed to walk down.  I found employees to direct me where I needed to go.  I eliminated so much unnecessary walking and found half of what I needed on isle corners.  Coincidence, I think not.  I felt the Lord telling me when to pause in an isle, when to breath deeply, when to press forward.  It sounds ridiculous and (i hope) not overdramatic, but I really felt the Lord guiding my footsteps.  It was a kind and welcome feeling.  I felt close to him.  He is intimately involved in the details of our lives.  There are so many invisible strings that connect us to Him and what we need to be doing.

I am likely to experience a flair-up here and there, but overall my quality of life is not going to be affected.  I will be able to eat the things I love again, like fries and german chocolate cake!  Early in my struggle, I worried that I might be developing a lactose allergy.  I may as well spend my days chewing rocks if I have to go without cheese, egg nog and pumpkin cheesecake ice cream.  Right now I'm watching my portions and being smart with my food choices, but I will be so excited to reintroduce jakes shakes, fry sauce and Navajo tacos into my diet one day!!  Delight!!  Another thing, I will just have to learn to lean on those I love a little more...and what a blessing that will prove to be.

I already feel nearer to those who have been kind enough to serve me.  My heart is drawn out to them.  I look forward to helping them when my energy returns.  I appreciate the strength and dependability of my friends, some anticipated and some a happy surprise!  I feel like in my weakness, I've had time to reach out to more people through little messages and thoughts.  I feel infinitely more connected to my sister-in-law, who is struggling through her own chronic condition.  I have never felt more connected with the love the Savior must feel for her and I feel genuine compassion.  I love that feeling and the warmth it brings.

I love that in my stillness, I have seen more clearly where my priorities need to ly.  I need to prioritize my relationship with Chloe over everything else.  I need to show love, support, and appreciation for my husband who (bless his heart) has been forced to carry a heavier load than I've ever had to ask of him.  He seems to carry it with ease.  I am amazed at his strength and it is a witness of his love for me.  It is a witness of the empowering influence of the Spirit.  Many don't know this but while I was vegging on an obnoxious all-liquid diet upstairs, Ryan was admitted into the ER one night with kidney stones...again.  Three times now.  Each time has been quicker and easier to treat (and therefore less painful) but if he ever experiences these again, I'd be surprised to see him bounce back with the speed he was able to this time.  At best, it takes him 4-6 days to get back on his feet.  I'm usually bringing him meals in the night so that he can take his pain and nausea medication.  Its a big job and I get tired.  I'm glad I can take care of him, most times.  This time, however, I was not there.  He somehow managed to get himself to the hospital (wow!) where his mother met and stayed with him, rested the night at his parent's house and was back to my hospital room later the next day.  Though a little sore, he was surprised at the strength he found.  He has been a rock...no pun intended. :) Another little blessing: I had been a little traumatized by spending so many nights alone during my last hospital stay (2000 - scoliosis) but this time I had company each and every evening. Thanks so much Shantele, Ryan and Debbie. I know from experience how "comfortable" and "easy" it is to get a good nights rest as a guest in a hospital room. At least we got some quality talk time!! Those evenings spent with you meant more than you know.

I am more keenly aware of my mission on earth and the contributions I can make to family life.  I have received inspirations for my family members.  I have felt so excited about my scripture study and ensign reading. I have been pulling articles from ensigns (years past) and cutting out pictures for the advent calendar I mentioned earlier.  I feel it will really invite the spirit of Christ into our holiday and I am so excited to gift it to our family.  I'll have to post a picture of the finished product.  I am almost grateful for my wakefulness in the wee hours of the morning because I would never be able to accomplish the goals I have for this project if I were attempting it while Chloe is awake and needing me.

I better understand how weaknesses facilitate our greatest strengths, and the only strength that matters is our testimony of Christ and of the gospel.  It carries us through everything else.  We can share our burden with the Lord.  We can trust that he will give us what we need.  We can trust that our greatest trials are likely our greatest blessings.

This trial has taken me away from the world, from the discouragement Satan often tries to introduce into my life, and taught me all that I need.  The media holds no appeal for me.  Television shows that tempted my interest just a week ago hold no allure, and I feel so much more motivated to do things that matter...that make a difference.  Questions that have plagued my mind for years have been answered.  Peace.  Resolve.  Gratitude.  Joy.  Love.  All feelings that have encompassed my thoughts over the last week.

Its not always easy but it has been so, SOOOOO worth the struggle.  I have gleaned so much.

I am so grateful for my family.  I am grateful for the patience and understanding of others.  I am grateful for the changes that have come into my heart.  I am grateful to my ward members and friends.  I am grateful for my daughter and all the little joys she brings to each day.  I am grateful for my husband, and more proud to be his than ever before.  That truly was the greatest decision of my life.  He provides so much more than I need or ever expected for myself.  He is a wonderful man, companion and father.  I am grateful for the comforts of my home and the peace I feel here.  I am grateful when I see the priesthood at work.  I am blessed to have what I have and to somehow find little bursts of energy so I can do what I need to do.  I am blessed to have goals, ambition, and drive. I am blessed with the need to be still and restful.  I am blessed to feel the spirit guiding me.

Sorry for the dramatics.  I know this probably comes off strong, but my feelings over the last week have been just that...STRONG.

If it's the prednisone, keep it coming, haha.  Only Kidding.  I'm so excited to get off that stuff in another few weeks!  I have a hunch Ryan will be excited too.  When mamma ain't sleeping, aint nobody sleeping.  All my late night browsing (bright screens)...tossing and turning...he's had a rough go at it in the sleep department too.  But we are hanging in there!  I will make the best of the hand I've been given and be better off for making good of an unfortunate situation.  Thanks for taking the time to listen.

Alma 26:36

• Book of Mormon

Now if this is boasting, even so will I boast; for this is my life and my light, my joy and my salvation, and my redemption from everlasting wo. Yea, blessed is the name of my God