For Ears Inspired to Hear...

What's that scripture?

Alma 26:12

• Book of Mormon

Yea, I know that I am nothing; as to my strength I am weak; therefore I will not boast of myself, but I will boast of my God, for in his strength I can do all things; yea, behold, many mighty miracles we have wrought in this land, for which we will praise his name forever. 

All through this week I have looked forward to sharing my testimony during our fast and testimony meeting at church.  I pushed myself to get ready this morning and got to the chapel.  Half way through relief society I was feeling very lethargic, almost the feeling you get when you introduce anesthetic into your body.  I called Ryan from the Sunday School room, had a kind ward member keep an eye on Chloe, and had Ryan quickly bring me home.  From the time I hit the pillow to zonking out, it might have taken three breaths.  I'll just have to share my testimony here, and hope that those who need to hear it will find it. :)

I'm not used to feeling this way.  I'm used to having the energy requisite for all the things I love and need to do.  I'm used to being self-sufficient, and easily productive.  What I'm not used to is feeling so bombarded with fatigue and weakness that I literally feel glued to my bed.  I have had to lean on some treasured friends and family members to meet the needs of Chloe.  I have had to put housework, hobbies and interests to the side in an effort to reserve all my energy for her.  This has proved to be a blessing in that I feel closer and more connected to her than I have ever been.  I know, deep in my heart, that she feels the same.  When she looks at me, it is with so much love.  That, itself, brings me strength and helps me meet the challenges of my day.  I am blessed to be a mom and even more greatly blessed to be a mother to her.  She is a very special daughter of God.

The good news is that things will get better.  I have a condition that resolves in periods of months to many years at a time, depending on the extent of your disease and your willingness to follow your doctors instruction.  Being a medically minded person, I have been able to ask lots of questions...too many questions.  I feel I understand my condition well and I am so committed to make this condition work for me. I own this disease!  Haha.  My doctors are optimistic about my case and impressed with my commitment to my medication, diet and necessary changes in lifestyle.  Luckily, most of the changes asked of me are only temporary.  I will, of course, need to be more physically active (nice kick in the pants) and a little more healthy in my eating (who cant say that?!) and be more in tune with the workings of my body than I have ever had to be before.  Luckily, again, the Lord has been helping me out with that...almost to a hilarious extent.  The other day I found myself at Hobby Lobby.  It is my version of paradise.  :)  I needed to do something for me.  Something I love and enjoy.  So I decided to do a craft.  An advent calendar actually.  At the store, I found my energy winding down.  Generally I find myself roaming isles, oggling anything I can.  On this day I knew I wouldn't be able to handle that.  I had specific items in mind for my project and a timebind.  I found myself being led exclusively to the isles I needed to walk down.  I found employees to direct me where I needed to go.  I eliminated so much unnecessary walking and found half of what I needed on isle corners.  Coincidence, I think not.  I felt the Lord telling me when to pause in an isle, when to breath deeply, when to press forward.  It sounds ridiculous and (i hope) not overdramatic, but I really felt the Lord guiding my footsteps.  It was a kind and welcome feeling.  I felt close to him.  He is intimately involved in the details of our lives.  There are so many invisible strings that connect us to Him and what we need to be doing.

I am likely to experience a flair-up here and there, but overall my quality of life is not going to be affected.  I will be able to eat the things I love again, like fries and german chocolate cake!  Early in my struggle, I worried that I might be developing a lactose allergy.  I may as well spend my days chewing rocks if I have to go without cheese, egg nog and pumpkin cheesecake ice cream.  Right now I'm watching my portions and being smart with my food choices, but I will be so excited to reintroduce jakes shakes, fry sauce and Navajo tacos into my diet one day!!  Delight!!  Another thing, I will just have to learn to lean on those I love a little more...and what a blessing that will prove to be.

I already feel nearer to those who have been kind enough to serve me.  My heart is drawn out to them.  I look forward to helping them when my energy returns.  I appreciate the strength and dependability of my friends, some anticipated and some a happy surprise!  I feel like in my weakness, I've had time to reach out to more people through little messages and thoughts.  I feel infinitely more connected to my sister-in-law, who is struggling through her own chronic condition.  I have never felt more connected with the love the Savior must feel for her and I feel genuine compassion.  I love that feeling and the warmth it brings.

I love that in my stillness, I have seen more clearly where my priorities need to ly.  I need to prioritize my relationship with Chloe over everything else.  I need to show love, support, and appreciation for my husband who (bless his heart) has been forced to carry a heavier load than I've ever had to ask of him.  He seems to carry it with ease.  I am amazed at his strength and it is a witness of his love for me.  It is a witness of the empowering influence of the Spirit.  Many don't know this but while I was vegging on an obnoxious all-liquid diet upstairs, Ryan was admitted into the ER one night with kidney stones...again.  Three times now.  Each time has been quicker and easier to treat (and therefore less painful) but if he ever experiences these again, I'd be surprised to see him bounce back with the speed he was able to this time.  At best, it takes him 4-6 days to get back on his feet.  I'm usually bringing him meals in the night so that he can take his pain and nausea medication.  Its a big job and I get tired.  I'm glad I can take care of him, most times.  This time, however, I was not there.  He somehow managed to get himself to the hospital (wow!) where his mother met and stayed with him, rested the night at his parent's house and was back to my hospital room later the next day.  Though a little sore, he was surprised at the strength he found.  He has been a rock...no pun intended. :) Another little blessing: I had been a little traumatized by spending so many nights alone during my last hospital stay (2000 - scoliosis) but this time I had company each and every evening. Thanks so much Shantele, Ryan and Debbie. I know from experience how "comfortable" and "easy" it is to get a good nights rest as a guest in a hospital room. At least we got some quality talk time!! Those evenings spent with you meant more than you know.

I am more keenly aware of my mission on earth and the contributions I can make to family life.  I have received inspirations for my family members.  I have felt so excited about my scripture study and ensign reading. I have been pulling articles from ensigns (years past) and cutting out pictures for the advent calendar I mentioned earlier.  I feel it will really invite the spirit of Christ into our holiday and I am so excited to gift it to our family.  I'll have to post a picture of the finished product.  I am almost grateful for my wakefulness in the wee hours of the morning because I would never be able to accomplish the goals I have for this project if I were attempting it while Chloe is awake and needing me.

I better understand how weaknesses facilitate our greatest strengths, and the only strength that matters is our testimony of Christ and of the gospel.  It carries us through everything else.  We can share our burden with the Lord.  We can trust that he will give us what we need.  We can trust that our greatest trials are likely our greatest blessings.

This trial has taken me away from the world, from the discouragement Satan often tries to introduce into my life, and taught me all that I need.  The media holds no appeal for me.  Television shows that tempted my interest just a week ago hold no allure, and I feel so much more motivated to do things that matter...that make a difference.  Questions that have plagued my mind for years have been answered.  Peace.  Resolve.  Gratitude.  Joy.  Love.  All feelings that have encompassed my thoughts over the last week.

Its not always easy but it has been so, SOOOOO worth the struggle.  I have gleaned so much.

I am so grateful for my family.  I am grateful for the patience and understanding of others.  I am grateful for the changes that have come into my heart.  I am grateful to my ward members and friends.  I am grateful for my daughter and all the little joys she brings to each day.  I am grateful for my husband, and more proud to be his than ever before.  That truly was the greatest decision of my life.  He provides so much more than I need or ever expected for myself.  He is a wonderful man, companion and father.  I am grateful for the comforts of my home and the peace I feel here.  I am grateful when I see the priesthood at work.  I am blessed to have what I have and to somehow find little bursts of energy so I can do what I need to do.  I am blessed to have goals, ambition, and drive. I am blessed with the need to be still and restful.  I am blessed to feel the spirit guiding me.

Sorry for the dramatics.  I know this probably comes off strong, but my feelings over the last week have been just that...STRONG.

If it's the prednisone, keep it coming, haha.  Only Kidding.  I'm so excited to get off that stuff in another few weeks!  I have a hunch Ryan will be excited too.  When mamma ain't sleeping, aint nobody sleeping.  All my late night browsing (bright screens)...tossing and turning...he's had a rough go at it in the sleep department too.  But we are hanging in there!  I will make the best of the hand I've been given and be better off for making good of an unfortunate situation.  Thanks for taking the time to listen.

Alma 26:36

• Book of Mormon

Now if this is boasting, even so will I boast; for this is my life and my light, my joy and my salvation, and my redemption from everlasting wo. Yea, blessed is the name of my God 

Preserving memories!

So...I'm looking for the best ways to preserve Chloe's growing years and I'm presented with too many options.  I'll list them out and someone please tell me which ones were most valuable to you. I just don't have the time to write the same stuff in 6 or more different places. 

1. Facebook (pro-share's her decelopment with friends/family in most efficient way; con-not a great way to preserve memories long term)

2.  Blog (pro-easy access for birth mom and those searching for updates on baby, also possible to create a book from posts, also useful to future birthmothers who want to see what my family life looks like; con- limited room for a scrapbooker to get creative, no one reads my blog consistently over time, except maybe Cami :D )

3.  Physical scrapbook (pro- premade and provided by birth family so I really want to utilize it, plus it's adorable; con- having to physically print out and arrange photos...takes more time)

4. Mommy journal (pro-safe for more private thoughts; con- just another thing to store)

5. Baby firsts calendar (pro-great for quick update on what's happening; con-keeping track of it forever, and no room to expound

6. Shutterfly Book - non-negotiable (pro- best way I can think of to have a comprehensive stylized book of memories that is reasonably efficient to put together. Con- time)

What do you think? What should I cut out? Give me solutions/tips for being more efficient!

All We've Ever Wanted, Dreamed of, and Hoped for...finally in our Arms!!!

Meet Our Little Girl!!!  

Chloe Valynne Stephens

born Sunday, 7.13.14 @ 9:34am!

Weight: 5 lbs, 8 ounces

Length: 19 inches

I can't say whether, for certain, that miracles happen every day...but what I do know is that every once in a while when enough faith, work, hope, prayer and fasting is put toward a righteous goal, you can gain sure testimony of the miracles of heaven.  I've seen the greatness of miracles and the goodness of God every time I've looked into our daughters eyes these last two weeks.  She is a manifestation of God's love for us and we are so in love with her.  

2014 Tulip Festival

I woke up one day with a hunger for newness so we found something neither of us had ever done and went for it!

Thanksgiving point has an annual tulip festival that we've heard great things about so we set out for American Fork. 

The crowds were impressively large as it was the last day of the festival.  I was happy to learn that they were renting out digital SLR cameras so that people could take high quality pictures during their visit on the grounds.  The flowers were breathtaking and the weather was perfect!  The air felt so fresh and clean!  We had some pretty awesome Korean BBQ from a truck and tried a Swiss waffle dessert...it had caramel inside.  We rented segways to move through the grounds which was an AWESOME choice!  It saved our energy, brought a cool breeze on a very warm day, and helped us see things more quickly and effortlessly...plus, SEGWAYS ARE FUN!!!  Haha!  It seemed everyone we drove by had a comment..."How neat!"  "They have those here?!" "I'm doing that next time!"  "Where can we get one of those?"  "I wish we would have thought of that!"  "Mom, can I..."  "Is that difficult to drive?"  "That looks like so much fun!"

It was fun, sOoOo much fun and it became a great bonding moment for Ryan and me.  It was neat to do something, just the two of us.  It was a fun memory and a nice escape from some of the difficult things that have been going on at home with adoption.

We took some beautiful pictures that Ill have to share! 

"Is it over yet?...Is this as hard as it gets?" -- Kelly Clarkson

I've written three versions of this blog post, each a little less depressing than the last.  I feel the words I want to share are finally to the place I need them to be.

To shed light on the last few months, I need to reveal that Ryan and I came {  } this close to calling ourselves parents this May.  In late January we were contact by a sweet birthmother who had decided to place her son through adoption.  Our hearts and hopes were racing.  We tried to be cautious, but who were we kidding?  We were so excited to be parents.  We came to know this girl on a neat level and felt a great level of trust and openness.  We were delighted beyond words when she called me one on one to Farmington Station to tell me the good news, THAT SHE HAD CHOSEN US!  Those words and the feeling they elicit are impossible to describe.  We were so So excited for May to arrive.  But then came a revelation that was all too familiar to us and harder and harder to cope with.

April 17, 2014: "Tanya and Ryan, this is probably the single most difficult email Ive ever had to write...I prayed again, scared and confused and came away with the conclusion that maybe I'm not supposed to place him...I cannot place him.  I am so sorry.  You are honestly wonderful people and I know you'll be fantastic parents someday."

Excerpts from an email that tore our hearts in two.  We had spent nearly months getting to know this sweet girl and her family, learning about her life, history, interests, and hopes for the future.  We had latched onto the hope that she would be helping us grow our family.   We had told some of our nearest and dearest.  She had met our families.  We had purchased clothes and received donations of other things.  This baby had changed her world for the better and she was on the path to great things.  We were so excited for him to bring great things to our world as well.  We felt so blessed to know her and to build a life with her son. 

In the weeks preceding this email, I have to admit I had felt a wave of change that made me cringe inside.  She was more distant, nondescript in her emails, and I could see that our relationship was a little stagnant (meaning that no new info was being shared, there was less emotion in our conversations, etc...just a disconnect).  My stomach was in knots.  We met a couple times and I was hoping she would take away this "paranoia" I was feeling, because up until the last month of our friendship things seemed so idyllic.  We felt more certain than with any potential placement in the past that this was right, and a good fit for our lives. She seemed more certain and aware of the reasons behind her decision to place.  Her parents were in full support of the adoption and had actually adopted their children, themselves, so they understood the spectrum of emotions an adoptive couple feels through this journey.  Still, I guess I saw the letdown coming in a sense, and yet I refused to believe the worst would happen until I got the final word.  I was hoping on hope.

We were pretty torn apart by the news, and grieved the lost in degrees.  The email was sent to me, directly, and I felt strongly that I should process the initial blow before telling Ryan.  I knew I would need to be an emotional anchor for him.  I told him at my thinking spot one evening and it was a pretty sacred experience actually.  I felt the comforter helping us through that evening.  It was such a great blessing.  Ryan felt the loss most when I was strong, and I found myself breaking down during moments he was strong.  It felt like a miscarriage. Our families took it hard.  It was so helpful to be able to lean on one another as we processed the loss and considered which path was next for us.  The potential of losing our relationship with the birthmother nearly upset me as much as losing the child because I had truly come to love her.  I was grateful, in the month or so that followed, to find healing and to be able to forgive and let go of the pain I was feeling.  We were able to maintain a friendship and I was even able to drop by a baby gift for Frederick, her little one, just before he was born.  I was so grateful to Heavenly Father for taking the pain away and for bringing peace to this whole ordeal.

We know God has a plan for our family and that in the end, we will see how absolutely beautiful and inspired that plan is.  We know our children will find us and that we will love their fiercely and even more fervently because of the experiences we have been through in finding them and getting them here.  We need to be patient, faithful, and look for His inspiration, however he chooses to give it.  Until then, we've decided to continue looking into foster care!  

Puppy Pals

Cooper has been able to make a few good puppy pals! 

Ryan's cousin Quentin was one of the first to congratulate us when we announced that we were planning to purchase a Cavalier King Charles Spaniel.  He and his wife, Kelly, had been researching dog breeds themselves and wanted a Cavachon (half Cavalier and half Bichon Frize).  They were so excited to hear we had decided on the same breed they loved!  When they welcomed Wink into their family, we brought Cooper right over to meet her.  They hit it off so fast!  We have video of them chasing around the house, and doing a dance of sorts in the living room!  I had no idea Cooper was that agile!  He was hopping all over the place, being careful not to step on Wink.  It was adorable.  They have seen each other since, and still love playing.  It is fun watching Cooper play big brother, of sorts.

Coopers other two good friends live in a nearby townhouse.  Their names are Benny (a golden retriever) and Sage (a huskie, I think).

They are huge, compared to Cooper, but every time we walk toward the park he tries to run up to their front door.  He loves to chase with them and they are so good to Cooper, even when he gets a little too rambunctious for their taste.  I love that I don't have to worry about his interactions with them. Yay for good friends. 

Nieces are the Best

Our niece, MaKenzie brought big smiles to our faces today.

She and her family live in California and haven't visited Utah since last Summer.  As such, she hasn't been able to meet our puppy Cooper in person.

We kinda expected that our happy addition would, at best, remain uncelebrated by the Stephens family because from our observations/previous conversations they had a difficult time seeing a dog as anything but a burden or an allergen.

Happily, we were proven wrong.  Richard has made a couple special trips to our house to see Cooper.  He loves going to say hi when we are keeping Cooper in the Stephen's backyard during our visits.  Tami bought him a box of doggy treats and calls to ask if she can visit before she showers.  Josh never really had an aversion.  Dustin and Shar wholeheartedly congratulated us and could see how having a pet was a good thing for us in our stage of life, when starting a family has been a challenge and we just need something to care for and to love.  Cooper has become so much to us and we consider ourselves very blessed to have his spirit in our home and his presence in our lives. 

MaKenzie and Alisha love when we send pictures of Cooper to their family.  Alisha just loves dogs!  When we visited California this winter, I was lucky enough to hear her first full sentence!  "Dogs!  I like dogs!"

MaKenzie is in kindergarden and decided to share a picture of Cooper with her class for sharing time!  Sharlene shared a video of MaKenzie demonstrating what she planned to share with her class!  It warmed our hearts to think that she would think of Cooper, love him, and want to share him with her class even in spite of the fact that she hasn't met him yet.  I can't wait to introduce Cooper to the girls when they visit in June!

I'll see if I can upload the video once my phone has a chance to charge :)