Is This Real Life?!!!!

Today I stand in awe of miracles.

A miracle is a welcome event that cannot be explained by science and thus is generally attributed to some divine agency.  My life has been full of these 'welcome events' and each one of them causes me to turn in gratitude to a loving Heavenly Father.  Each day I know He walks with us and leads us toward good things.  The greatest miracle to take place in my life has been becoming a mother through adoption.  This event was not a single miracle, but a galaxy of little mercies that worked together for our good.

Here are just a few:
The miracle of being born to my family in the time and place I was chosen to come here.
The miracle of coping with infertility and finding true healing.
The miracle of finding and marrying a man who loves me enough to walk this path with me.
The miracle of coming to know a friend, who ultimately facilitated the bridge between us and Chloe's birth family.  
The miracle of finding an emotional connection as strangers and knowing, through the spirit, that she could trust us with the life and well-being of the person she loves most in the world.   
The miracle of finalizing this adoption just as our agency was closing its doors on facilitating adoptions.  Chloe's court date was our caseworker's VERY LAST finalization hearing. 
The miracle of her healthy delivery.
The miracle of courage her birth mother had to demonstrate in signing relinquishment papers.
The miracle of becoming a mother in every truest sense, when it was physically impossible.
The miracle of having family and friends who support adoption and provided overwhelming support for Chloe as she joined our family.   She is showered with love at every turn.
The miracle of being filled with a greater love than I ever thought was possible.
The miracle of temple sealings and priesthood power that bind us eternally as a family.
The miracle of parenting this beautiful, intelligent, strong, healthy, incredible little girl and knowing she will be in our lives forever.  
And then, of course, are the many unseen miracles of which I have not learned. 
These miracles show me once and for all that God loves me and is over all.

And of Chloe's birthmother, who I have been thinking of the entire day...

I met her only twice and yet I love her more than words can say.  She gave me only one gift and yet I am eternally in her debt.  I know so little about her passions, ambitions and achievements and yet she sits on a pedestal and I aspire to be the type of person I know her to be.

Happy Mothers Day to the woman whose loving choice to place her daughter for adoption has illuminated my life and infused it with such joy as I have never known.  She has singularly helped me achieve the impossible and progress in my life mission.  I credit her for every lesson I learn from motherhood, for every christlike attribute that being a parent affords me.  I am learning so much from being a mom and it is all because of her.  Chloe's birthmother has provided me the source of the greatest meaning my life has known.  Every time my daughter makes me smile or laugh I have her to thank for it.  Chloe is my world and her birthmother brought her into it.  I am forever changed and better because of her confidence in us and her immeasurable love for her little girl.

I want to thank her for being the mother her daughter needed her to be.  I want to thank her for being the mother I needed her to be in order to become one myself.  I could do no better than to teach our daughter to love, honor and emulate her for the type of individual she is...one who loves first and loves most.

You can't imagine the many moments I have spent thinking of her.  Some nights as I watch her sleeping in my arms, I tear up for the sacrifices I know she has made.  I hug Chloe tighter and kiss her more often for her birthmother. When I imagine life without this perfect baby I cringe and ask God to bless and uphold her birthmother.  I ask Him to send her every righteous desire of her heart, every reward on earth and in heaven for blessing my life with so much good.  If there is ever a dream in her heart I pray she sees that it is realized in some way.  I hope she knows she is not forgotten in this home...in our lives.  I imagine her heart must be stinging more acutely today and I can only say that I do believe that all our losses will be made up.

Dear Birthmother, you are loved by Heavenly Father and will be blessed for choosing adoption for Chloe. I hope you are finding peace and happiness.  Thank you for all you have given us.  We love you truly and always have a door open for you.  Happy Mothers Day.  

Learning our Colors

Yogurt and food coloring make for lots of fun at our house!!! Chloe was more interested in using her body as a canvas than the sheet i laid down for her! 

A walker?! A walker?!

How is it that this girl can grow so fast?! She has been pulling herself up to her feet for a little while now and she's starting to get more confident about it! I love watching her mature! You can see she is proud of herself! 

I Lived

My friend sent me this music video the other day. I've always loved One Republic but I was really inspired by how they chose to represent one of the best songs they've ever written. 

Follow this link to the video! http://youtu.be/z0rxydSolwU

Favorite songs

For some reason i want to make an ongoing post with a compilation of some of my all-time favorite songs.  The creme of the crop. The ones that give me goosepimples. The ones that I still love and feel inspired by years later (or expect to)...those kind!!!

Here are the first few of the list:

Songs that inspire/comfort/make me feel warm and fuzzy (they arent all happy, but they are beautifully created--sometimes it's the melody/harmonies more than the words that i find i need):

Fix You -- Coldplay

I Lived -- One Republic

Hanz Zimmer -- Tennessee

River God -- Mindy Gledhill

Dust -- Cara Salimando

Distance -- Christina Perri

Try -- Colbie Caillat

Io -- Hellan Stellar

Iris -- The Goo Goo Dolls

My Blood -- Ellie Goulding

Gravity -- Kelly Clarkson

Speed of Sound -- Coldplay

The Minstrels Prayer -- Cartel

I Can Only Imagine -- MercyMe

Gotta Figure This Out -- Erin McCarley

When A Heart Breaks -- Ben Rector

Round and Round -- Imagine Dragons

Are We All Forgotten -- Paper Route

In Your Eyes -- Glee Cast Version

Some Nights -- Fun.

Every Teardrop is a Waterfall -- Coldplay

Oh Holy Night -- Lea Michele

Emma -- Dan Truman & Mindy Gledhill

Small Enough -- Mindy Gledhill

Butterfly Kisses -- Bob Carlisle

I Still Havent Found What I'm Looking For -- Glee Cast Version

A Thousand Years -- Christina Perri

Say Something -- A Great Big World (Featuring Christina Aguilera)

Songs that motivate/get me moving:

Shake it Off -- Taylor Swift

In Style -- Taylor Swift

Sail -- Awolnation

Ordinary Human -- One Republic

I Can Only Imagine -- David Guetta

I Gotta Feeling -- Black Eyed Peas

Locked Out of Heaven -- Bruno Marz 

Normal Like You -- Everclear

Good Feeling -- Flo Rida

(Guilty Pleasure -- I'd change a few words if i could...in fact, I do when I sing it, haha...really loudly)

You Dance -- EastMountainSouth

I Will Hide Myself Away -- Cartel

Wild Ones -- Flo Rida (another guilty pleasure :/ )

Close contenders (but not quite theres...and some, it's because they were just so darn overplayed that I can't enjoy them as much anymore...pity):

Garden Walls -- Mindy Gledhill

Dance on Our Graves -- Paper Route

The Afters -- Life is Beautiful

In My Veins -- Aaron Bell (featuring Erin McCarley)

To Be With You -- Caroline Lost

Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas -- Christina Aguilera

The Scientist -- Coldplay

Big Yellow Taxi -- Counting Crows

Caught By a River -- Doves

If Im Not in Love -- Faith Hill

I Dont Want to Miss a Thing -- Aerosmith

TipToe -- Imagine Dragons

Demons -- Imagine Dragons

Amsterdam -- Imagine Dragons

Where Are You Christmas -- Faith Hill

Down -- Jason Walker

Everybody's Changing -- Keane

This list has a lot of growing to do. I LOVE music. 

Mothers Deserve Badges of Honor

Well there aren't any mixing of cards with Chloe.  She definitely has that XX chromosomal signature that makes many of us female types go ABSOLUTELY BONKERS around 12-14, sometimes earlier.

Apparently in Chloe's case, at 4 months!

As this comic describes, this must not only apply to girls but goodness...it felt like she went full-scale teenager on me today!  I've never seen her so happy!  Just full of smiles and spontaneous laughter, sometimes lasting as long as 10 minutes!!!  Then flip the switch and BOOM!  Who starved the world of oxygen just now?!  Get that bottle, stat!  Where are pacifiers when you need them?!  

I should probably feel all warm and fuzzy seeing as how she refused to spend a minute of her day outside of my sight...and no more than 15 minutes out of my hands...but that also meant no quality naps today which only further aggravated her mood!  Sidenote: Thank heavens for Baby Bjorns.  It's the only reason I accomplished anything today.

Alas, I know this is par for the course in parenthood and we have all seen these days.  Nevertheless, I was super excited when Ryan came home with a new pack of her coveted binkies...she FINALLY fell asleep in my arms...and was too tired to be upset when I finally settled her in her crib.  

I'll tell you what though! I feel a little like superwoman after today!

I somehow managed to accomplish the following in the midst of all Chloes demands:

-- Three or four loads of laundry, sorted, folded and put away (for the most part).

-- Some progress on my advent calendar craft

-- Created a Winter Wreath, with the help of my cousin Andrea!!!

-- Cleaned Chloe's room

-- Made Ryan a quality lunch

-- Took Cooper on a walk

-- Re-hung an outdoor sign Ive been meaning to fix for weeks

-- Gave Chloe a bath

-- Got everything together for her to be babysat by grandma tomorrow

I tell you all this only because it means one thing: God is giving me my strength back!!! I am healing! I am so grateful I had the energy I needed for Chloe and these other things today.

Now...I'm going to check-out, go veg on the couch and watch a movie with my hubbie.  I am so ready to turn my brain off!!!  

Never a Greater Need for Hope

I've been reading Gerald N. Lund's newest novel, "Look up, My Soul.  THE DIVINE PROMISE OF HOPE".  He opens with the stories of a few pioneer settlers from the Martin Handcart Company. Truly egregious stories with experiences that I, again, cannot comprehend.  I know for certain, given my physical stamina, I would not nearly have had the strength requisite to fulfill the mission the Lord asked of them.  I would most certainly have died.  Many of them did.  Knowing this, I reverence their lives and their perseverance more than I can say.  Who better represents that type of individual that finds the strength to endure in the worst of circumstances?

Elder Lund shares his thoughts on our modern-day troubles:
"Most members of the Church (and I would add, the general public) are not faced with the same kind of challenges, trials, and sacrifices that the pioneers experienced.  We are not facing ice-clogged rivers or blizzards raging around our tents.  We are not asked to subsist on four ounces of flour per day, to press on pulling our handcart without a husband, or to leave a child buried in a shallow grave along the trail.  But we are facing some pretty serious challenges of our own...
"More and more people describe themselves as being dissatisfied, frustrated, discouraged, desperate, stressed out, dejected, melancholy, gloomy, weary, helpless, and hopeless.  They feel disconnected, doubtful, disengaged, disheartened, disillusioned, distressed, and despairing."

Then he quotes George Q Cannon:
"When we are filled with the Spirit of God, we are filled with joy, with peace and with happiness no matter what our circumstances may be; for it is a spirit of cheerfulness and of happiness."

How do these things match up?
How do we replace deep, overwhelming despair with hope, and even joy when we are not necessarily released from our trials?
I think those answers are deeply individual, and that they come by degrees.

I believe we are each given the trials that pierce us most. You may have heard this from various church lessons, but it is often suggested that when all is said and done, if we were to look again upon our trials in life, measure them against everyone else's, and be allowed to choose the ones we deal with in life...it is very likely that we would probably take back our own.  Why is that?  Is it because we had it "easier?"  NO!!!  Not hardly.  But God has given us each unique spiritual gifts that enable us to meet the trials He hands to us. What might come easy to one person could destroy another.  I couldn't do what the pioneers did, but they somehow managed.  I have trails I expect other people would suffer through worse than I.  God has perfect vision, and a perfect awareness of what we and our family members need from life before we are born.  He brought us to earth in His time, and allows us to learn our lessons and fulfill our purpose.  We need to cling to hope.  We need to trust God a little more.  We need to show faith that He knows what He is doing. Troubles, we can't avoid. But discouragement, like F. Scott Fitzgerald says, is "a germ of its own, as different from trouble as arthritis is from a stiff joint."  He warns that if permitted to linger, "it will work and it will grow and it will spread.  In fact it can become almost a habit, a way of living and thinking, and there the greatest damage is done.  Then it takes an increasingly severe toll on our spirit, for it erodes the deepest religious commitments we can make -- those of faith, and hope, and charity."

When we let go of discouragement that naturally comes with earthly challenges, we find a whole new world opens up to us and we become stronger and more at peace with ourselves.  I know this from personal experience and I trust that same peace can come to others.