I've written three versions of this blog post, each a little less
depressing than the last. I feel the words I want to share are finally
to the place I need them to be.
To shed light on the
last few months, I need to reveal that Ryan and I came { } this close
to calling ourselves parents this May. In late January we were contact
by a sweet birthmother who had decided to place her son through adoption. Our hearts and hopes were racing. We tried to be cautious, but who were we kidding? We were so excited to be parents. We came to know this girl on a neat level and felt a great level of trust and openness. We were delighted beyond words when she called me one on one to Farmington Station to tell me the good news, THAT SHE HAD CHOSEN US! Those words and the feeling they elicit are impossible to describe. We were so So excited for May to arrive. But then came a revelation that was all too familiar to us and harder and harder to cope with.
April 17, 2014: "Tanya and Ryan, this is probably the single most difficult email Ive ever had to write...I prayed again, scared and confused and came away with the conclusion that maybe I'm not supposed to place him...I cannot place him. I am so sorry. You are honestly wonderful people and I know you'll be fantastic parents someday."
Excerpts from an email that tore our hearts in two. We had spent nearly months getting to know this sweet girl and her family, learning about her life, history, interests, and hopes for the future. We had latched onto the hope that she would be helping us grow our family. We had told some of our nearest and dearest. She had met our families. We had purchased clothes and received donations of other things. This baby had changed her world for the better and she was on the path to great things. We were so excited for him to bring great things to our world as well. We felt so blessed to know her and to build a life with her son.
In the weeks preceding this email, I have to admit I had felt a wave of change that made me cringe inside. She was more distant, nondescript in her emails, and I could see that our relationship was a little stagnant (meaning that no new info was being shared, there was less emotion in our conversations, etc...just a disconnect). My stomach was in knots. We met a couple times and I was hoping she would take away this "paranoia" I was feeling, because up until the last month of our friendship things seemed so idyllic. We felt more certain than with any potential placement in the past that this was right, and a good fit for our lives. She seemed more certain and aware of the reasons behind her decision to place. Her parents were in full support of the adoption and had actually adopted their children, themselves, so they understood the spectrum of emotions an adoptive couple feels through this journey. Still, I guess I saw the letdown coming in a sense, and yet I refused to believe the worst would happen until I got the final word. I was hoping on hope.
We were pretty torn apart by the news, and grieved the lost in degrees. The email was sent to me, directly, and I felt strongly that I should process the initial blow before telling Ryan. I knew I would need to be an emotional anchor for him. I told him at my thinking spot one evening and it was a pretty sacred experience actually. I felt the comforter helping us through that evening. It was such a great blessing. Ryan felt the loss most when I was strong, and I found myself breaking down during moments he was strong. It felt like a miscarriage. Our families took it hard. It was so helpful to be able to lean on one another as we processed the loss and considered which path was next for us. The potential of losing our relationship with the birthmother nearly upset me as much as losing the child because I had truly come to love her. I was grateful, in the month or so that followed, to find healing and to be able to forgive and let go of the pain I was feeling. We were able to maintain a friendship and I was even able to drop by a baby gift for Frederick, her little one, just before he was born. I was so grateful to Heavenly Father for taking the pain away and for bringing peace to this whole ordeal.
We know God has a plan for our family and that in the end, we will see how absolutely beautiful and inspired that plan is. We know our children will find us and that we will love their fiercely and even more fervently because of the experiences we have been through in finding them and getting them here. We need to be patient, faithful, and look for His inspiration, however he chooses to give it. Until then, we've decided to continue looking into foster care!
