I Lived

My friend sent me this music video the other day. I've always loved One Republic but I was really inspired by how they chose to represent one of the best songs they've ever written. 

Follow this link to the video! http://youtu.be/z0rxydSolwU

Favorite songs

For some reason i want to make an ongoing post with a compilation of some of my all-time favorite songs.  The creme of the crop. The ones that give me goosepimples. The ones that I still love and feel inspired by years later (or expect to)...those kind!!!

Here are the first few of the list:

Songs that inspire/comfort/make me feel warm and fuzzy (they arent all happy, but they are beautifully created--sometimes it's the melody/harmonies more than the words that i find i need):

Fix You -- Coldplay

I Lived -- One Republic

Hanz Zimmer -- Tennessee

River God -- Mindy Gledhill

Dust -- Cara Salimando

Distance -- Christina Perri

Try -- Colbie Caillat

Io -- Hellan Stellar

Iris -- The Goo Goo Dolls

My Blood -- Ellie Goulding

Gravity -- Kelly Clarkson

Speed of Sound -- Coldplay

The Minstrels Prayer -- Cartel

I Can Only Imagine -- MercyMe

Gotta Figure This Out -- Erin McCarley

When A Heart Breaks -- Ben Rector

Round and Round -- Imagine Dragons

Are We All Forgotten -- Paper Route

In Your Eyes -- Glee Cast Version

Some Nights -- Fun.

Every Teardrop is a Waterfall -- Coldplay

Oh Holy Night -- Lea Michele

Emma -- Dan Truman & Mindy Gledhill

Small Enough -- Mindy Gledhill

Butterfly Kisses -- Bob Carlisle

I Still Havent Found What I'm Looking For -- Glee Cast Version

A Thousand Years -- Christina Perri

Say Something -- A Great Big World (Featuring Christina Aguilera)

Songs that motivate/get me moving:

Shake it Off -- Taylor Swift

In Style -- Taylor Swift

Sail -- Awolnation

Ordinary Human -- One Republic

I Can Only Imagine -- David Guetta

I Gotta Feeling -- Black Eyed Peas

Locked Out of Heaven -- Bruno Marz 

Normal Like You -- Everclear

Good Feeling -- Flo Rida

(Guilty Pleasure -- I'd change a few words if i could...in fact, I do when I sing it, haha...really loudly)

You Dance -- EastMountainSouth

I Will Hide Myself Away -- Cartel

Wild Ones -- Flo Rida (another guilty pleasure :/ )

Close contenders (but not quite theres...and some, it's because they were just so darn overplayed that I can't enjoy them as much anymore...pity):

Garden Walls -- Mindy Gledhill

Dance on Our Graves -- Paper Route

The Afters -- Life is Beautiful

In My Veins -- Aaron Bell (featuring Erin McCarley)

To Be With You -- Caroline Lost

Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas -- Christina Aguilera

The Scientist -- Coldplay

Big Yellow Taxi -- Counting Crows

Caught By a River -- Doves

If Im Not in Love -- Faith Hill

I Dont Want to Miss a Thing -- Aerosmith

TipToe -- Imagine Dragons

Demons -- Imagine Dragons

Amsterdam -- Imagine Dragons

Where Are You Christmas -- Faith Hill

Down -- Jason Walker

Everybody's Changing -- Keane

This list has a lot of growing to do. I LOVE music. 

Mothers Deserve Badges of Honor

Well there aren't any mixing of cards with Chloe.  She definitely has that XX chromosomal signature that makes many of us female types go ABSOLUTELY BONKERS around 12-14, sometimes earlier.

Apparently in Chloe's case, at 4 months!

As this comic describes, this must not only apply to girls but goodness...it felt like she went full-scale teenager on me today!  I've never seen her so happy!  Just full of smiles and spontaneous laughter, sometimes lasting as long as 10 minutes!!!  Then flip the switch and BOOM!  Who starved the world of oxygen just now?!  Get that bottle, stat!  Where are pacifiers when you need them?!  

I should probably feel all warm and fuzzy seeing as how she refused to spend a minute of her day outside of my sight...and no more than 15 minutes out of my hands...but that also meant no quality naps today which only further aggravated her mood!  Sidenote: Thank heavens for Baby Bjorns.  It's the only reason I accomplished anything today.

Alas, I know this is par for the course in parenthood and we have all seen these days.  Nevertheless, I was super excited when Ryan came home with a new pack of her coveted binkies...she FINALLY fell asleep in my arms...and was too tired to be upset when I finally settled her in her crib.  

I'll tell you what though! I feel a little like superwoman after today!

I somehow managed to accomplish the following in the midst of all Chloes demands:

-- Three or four loads of laundry, sorted, folded and put away (for the most part).

-- Some progress on my advent calendar craft

-- Created a Winter Wreath, with the help of my cousin Andrea!!!

-- Cleaned Chloe's room

-- Made Ryan a quality lunch

-- Took Cooper on a walk

-- Re-hung an outdoor sign Ive been meaning to fix for weeks

-- Gave Chloe a bath

-- Got everything together for her to be babysat by grandma tomorrow

I tell you all this only because it means one thing: God is giving me my strength back!!! I am healing! I am so grateful I had the energy I needed for Chloe and these other things today.

Now...I'm going to check-out, go veg on the couch and watch a movie with my hubbie.  I am so ready to turn my brain off!!!  

Never a Greater Need for Hope

I've been reading Gerald N. Lund's newest novel, "Look up, My Soul.  THE DIVINE PROMISE OF HOPE".  He opens with the stories of a few pioneer settlers from the Martin Handcart Company. Truly egregious stories with experiences that I, again, cannot comprehend.  I know for certain, given my physical stamina, I would not nearly have had the strength requisite to fulfill the mission the Lord asked of them.  I would most certainly have died.  Many of them did.  Knowing this, I reverence their lives and their perseverance more than I can say.  Who better represents that type of individual that finds the strength to endure in the worst of circumstances?

Elder Lund shares his thoughts on our modern-day troubles:
"Most members of the Church (and I would add, the general public) are not faced with the same kind of challenges, trials, and sacrifices that the pioneers experienced.  We are not facing ice-clogged rivers or blizzards raging around our tents.  We are not asked to subsist on four ounces of flour per day, to press on pulling our handcart without a husband, or to leave a child buried in a shallow grave along the trail.  But we are facing some pretty serious challenges of our own...
"More and more people describe themselves as being dissatisfied, frustrated, discouraged, desperate, stressed out, dejected, melancholy, gloomy, weary, helpless, and hopeless.  They feel disconnected, doubtful, disengaged, disheartened, disillusioned, distressed, and despairing."

Then he quotes George Q Cannon:
"When we are filled with the Spirit of God, we are filled with joy, with peace and with happiness no matter what our circumstances may be; for it is a spirit of cheerfulness and of happiness."

How do these things match up?
How do we replace deep, overwhelming despair with hope, and even joy when we are not necessarily released from our trials?
I think those answers are deeply individual, and that they come by degrees.

I believe we are each given the trials that pierce us most. You may have heard this from various church lessons, but it is often suggested that when all is said and done, if we were to look again upon our trials in life, measure them against everyone else's, and be allowed to choose the ones we deal with in life...it is very likely that we would probably take back our own.  Why is that?  Is it because we had it "easier?"  NO!!!  Not hardly.  But God has given us each unique spiritual gifts that enable us to meet the trials He hands to us. What might come easy to one person could destroy another.  I couldn't do what the pioneers did, but they somehow managed.  I have trails I expect other people would suffer through worse than I.  God has perfect vision, and a perfect awareness of what we and our family members need from life before we are born.  He brought us to earth in His time, and allows us to learn our lessons and fulfill our purpose.  We need to cling to hope.  We need to trust God a little more.  We need to show faith that He knows what He is doing. Troubles, we can't avoid. But discouragement, like F. Scott Fitzgerald says, is "a germ of its own, as different from trouble as arthritis is from a stiff joint."  He warns that if permitted to linger, "it will work and it will grow and it will spread.  In fact it can become almost a habit, a way of living and thinking, and there the greatest damage is done.  Then it takes an increasingly severe toll on our spirit, for it erodes the deepest religious commitments we can make -- those of faith, and hope, and charity."

When we let go of discouragement that naturally comes with earthly challenges, we find a whole new world opens up to us and we become stronger and more at peace with ourselves.  I know this from personal experience and I trust that same peace can come to others. 

For Ears Inspired to Hear...

What's that scripture?

Alma 26:12

• Book of Mormon

Yea, I know that I am nothing; as to my strength I am weak; therefore I will not boast of myself, but I will boast of my God, for in his strength I can do all things; yea, behold, many mighty miracles we have wrought in this land, for which we will praise his name forever. 

All through this week I have looked forward to sharing my testimony during our fast and testimony meeting at church.  I pushed myself to get ready this morning and got to the chapel.  Half way through relief society I was feeling very lethargic, almost the feeling you get when you introduce anesthetic into your body.  I called Ryan from the Sunday School room, had a kind ward member keep an eye on Chloe, and had Ryan quickly bring me home.  From the time I hit the pillow to zonking out, it might have taken three breaths.  I'll just have to share my testimony here, and hope that those who need to hear it will find it. :)

I'm not used to feeling this way.  I'm used to having the energy requisite for all the things I love and need to do.  I'm used to being self-sufficient, and easily productive.  What I'm not used to is feeling so bombarded with fatigue and weakness that I literally feel glued to my bed.  I have had to lean on some treasured friends and family members to meet the needs of Chloe.  I have had to put housework, hobbies and interests to the side in an effort to reserve all my energy for her.  This has proved to be a blessing in that I feel closer and more connected to her than I have ever been.  I know, deep in my heart, that she feels the same.  When she looks at me, it is with so much love.  That, itself, brings me strength and helps me meet the challenges of my day.  I am blessed to be a mom and even more greatly blessed to be a mother to her.  She is a very special daughter of God.

The good news is that things will get better.  I have a condition that resolves in periods of months to many years at a time, depending on the extent of your disease and your willingness to follow your doctors instruction.  Being a medically minded person, I have been able to ask lots of questions...too many questions.  I feel I understand my condition well and I am so committed to make this condition work for me. I own this disease!  Haha.  My doctors are optimistic about my case and impressed with my commitment to my medication, diet and necessary changes in lifestyle.  Luckily, most of the changes asked of me are only temporary.  I will, of course, need to be more physically active (nice kick in the pants) and a little more healthy in my eating (who cant say that?!) and be more in tune with the workings of my body than I have ever had to be before.  Luckily, again, the Lord has been helping me out with that...almost to a hilarious extent.  The other day I found myself at Hobby Lobby.  It is my version of paradise.  :)  I needed to do something for me.  Something I love and enjoy.  So I decided to do a craft.  An advent calendar actually.  At the store, I found my energy winding down.  Generally I find myself roaming isles, oggling anything I can.  On this day I knew I wouldn't be able to handle that.  I had specific items in mind for my project and a timebind.  I found myself being led exclusively to the isles I needed to walk down.  I found employees to direct me where I needed to go.  I eliminated so much unnecessary walking and found half of what I needed on isle corners.  Coincidence, I think not.  I felt the Lord telling me when to pause in an isle, when to breath deeply, when to press forward.  It sounds ridiculous and (i hope) not overdramatic, but I really felt the Lord guiding my footsteps.  It was a kind and welcome feeling.  I felt close to him.  He is intimately involved in the details of our lives.  There are so many invisible strings that connect us to Him and what we need to be doing.

I am likely to experience a flair-up here and there, but overall my quality of life is not going to be affected.  I will be able to eat the things I love again, like fries and german chocolate cake!  Early in my struggle, I worried that I might be developing a lactose allergy.  I may as well spend my days chewing rocks if I have to go without cheese, egg nog and pumpkin cheesecake ice cream.  Right now I'm watching my portions and being smart with my food choices, but I will be so excited to reintroduce jakes shakes, fry sauce and Navajo tacos into my diet one day!!  Delight!!  Another thing, I will just have to learn to lean on those I love a little more...and what a blessing that will prove to be.

I already feel nearer to those who have been kind enough to serve me.  My heart is drawn out to them.  I look forward to helping them when my energy returns.  I appreciate the strength and dependability of my friends, some anticipated and some a happy surprise!  I feel like in my weakness, I've had time to reach out to more people through little messages and thoughts.  I feel infinitely more connected to my sister-in-law, who is struggling through her own chronic condition.  I have never felt more connected with the love the Savior must feel for her and I feel genuine compassion.  I love that feeling and the warmth it brings.

I love that in my stillness, I have seen more clearly where my priorities need to ly.  I need to prioritize my relationship with Chloe over everything else.  I need to show love, support, and appreciation for my husband who (bless his heart) has been forced to carry a heavier load than I've ever had to ask of him.  He seems to carry it with ease.  I am amazed at his strength and it is a witness of his love for me.  It is a witness of the empowering influence of the Spirit.  Many don't know this but while I was vegging on an obnoxious all-liquid diet upstairs, Ryan was admitted into the ER one night with kidney stones...again.  Three times now.  Each time has been quicker and easier to treat (and therefore less painful) but if he ever experiences these again, I'd be surprised to see him bounce back with the speed he was able to this time.  At best, it takes him 4-6 days to get back on his feet.  I'm usually bringing him meals in the night so that he can take his pain and nausea medication.  Its a big job and I get tired.  I'm glad I can take care of him, most times.  This time, however, I was not there.  He somehow managed to get himself to the hospital (wow!) where his mother met and stayed with him, rested the night at his parent's house and was back to my hospital room later the next day.  Though a little sore, he was surprised at the strength he found.  He has been a rock...no pun intended. :) Another little blessing: I had been a little traumatized by spending so many nights alone during my last hospital stay (2000 - scoliosis) but this time I had company each and every evening. Thanks so much Shantele, Ryan and Debbie. I know from experience how "comfortable" and "easy" it is to get a good nights rest as a guest in a hospital room. At least we got some quality talk time!! Those evenings spent with you meant more than you know.

I am more keenly aware of my mission on earth and the contributions I can make to family life.  I have received inspirations for my family members.  I have felt so excited about my scripture study and ensign reading. I have been pulling articles from ensigns (years past) and cutting out pictures for the advent calendar I mentioned earlier.  I feel it will really invite the spirit of Christ into our holiday and I am so excited to gift it to our family.  I'll have to post a picture of the finished product.  I am almost grateful for my wakefulness in the wee hours of the morning because I would never be able to accomplish the goals I have for this project if I were attempting it while Chloe is awake and needing me.

I better understand how weaknesses facilitate our greatest strengths, and the only strength that matters is our testimony of Christ and of the gospel.  It carries us through everything else.  We can share our burden with the Lord.  We can trust that he will give us what we need.  We can trust that our greatest trials are likely our greatest blessings.

This trial has taken me away from the world, from the discouragement Satan often tries to introduce into my life, and taught me all that I need.  The media holds no appeal for me.  Television shows that tempted my interest just a week ago hold no allure, and I feel so much more motivated to do things that matter...that make a difference.  Questions that have plagued my mind for years have been answered.  Peace.  Resolve.  Gratitude.  Joy.  Love.  All feelings that have encompassed my thoughts over the last week.

Its not always easy but it has been so, SOOOOO worth the struggle.  I have gleaned so much.

I am so grateful for my family.  I am grateful for the patience and understanding of others.  I am grateful for the changes that have come into my heart.  I am grateful to my ward members and friends.  I am grateful for my daughter and all the little joys she brings to each day.  I am grateful for my husband, and more proud to be his than ever before.  That truly was the greatest decision of my life.  He provides so much more than I need or ever expected for myself.  He is a wonderful man, companion and father.  I am grateful for the comforts of my home and the peace I feel here.  I am grateful when I see the priesthood at work.  I am blessed to have what I have and to somehow find little bursts of energy so I can do what I need to do.  I am blessed to have goals, ambition, and drive. I am blessed with the need to be still and restful.  I am blessed to feel the spirit guiding me.

Sorry for the dramatics.  I know this probably comes off strong, but my feelings over the last week have been just that...STRONG.

If it's the prednisone, keep it coming, haha.  Only Kidding.  I'm so excited to get off that stuff in another few weeks!  I have a hunch Ryan will be excited too.  When mamma ain't sleeping, aint nobody sleeping.  All my late night browsing (bright screens)...tossing and turning...he's had a rough go at it in the sleep department too.  But we are hanging in there!  I will make the best of the hand I've been given and be better off for making good of an unfortunate situation.  Thanks for taking the time to listen.

Alma 26:36

• Book of Mormon

Now if this is boasting, even so will I boast; for this is my life and my light, my joy and my salvation, and my redemption from everlasting wo. Yea, blessed is the name of my God